there's no such thing as a fairytale

so a guy i got with for a couple of days summed up my life in 5 seconds……… one big mess.

you’ve been trying to maybe go back along the path you’ve already walked on, tryed to get back with the guy you think you love but you don’t. You also think he loves you but he doesn’t. It’s just conveniant. And you keep searching for something better and he’s probably fucked you over or vice versa so you’ve gone to Ireland for a break to think about things as if it’s going to make it all better. Then you’ve decided to speak to me because I have perhaps been on your mind but now you’re wishing you hadn’t even started talking to me cos this pointless bullshit is pouring out my mouth and you now think im still that wonderfully charming asshole

Struggling to find the words to write……

I haven’t blogged since i left for university, basically i didn’t know what to write or how to write it, i suppose i was too scared of what people would think or say, and also too scared of who would read it and confront me on what is written.

Basically my life has completely changed and in my eyes totally fallen apart, university is suppose to be the best time of anyones life, your suppose to have fun, and your life should be amazing, haha totally the opposite. My experience so far has ruined my relationship with someone who i thought would be in my life forever, well thats what we told each other. And yes i am to blame for this whole thing, yes i made a mistake and yes i totally regret it. 

Things weren’t right before i left, he wouldn’t make the effort to see me, he would prefer to go out with his mates and another girl in the car rather than pick me up, and i asked him numerous times to pick me up. Then i left for university, and he said he would leave me alone for freshers, something i did not want :( but he did. Over those two weeks i was so busy trying to fit in make new friends, get along with everyone, go out have a social life, that i didn’t really talk to him much and every time we had the chance to talk it would stop after 5 minutes because i had something else to do. 

Then he came down and all we did was argue, and the weeks after that it was basically non stop arguments, he became close to another girl, a girl i knew he liked even though he said he didn’t but i was soon proven right. So i ended it i couldn’t deal with the arguments thats not how university was suppose to be. He begged me to give him a chance and try to sort it out, but me being stupid said no its over for good, you have no idea how much i regret saying that, i lost the person who meant the world to me, i didn’t listen to him and he left my life for good, we had no contact for 2 months and yes it killed me :(

Then we talked again and tbh it was good to hear his voice and see him on Skype, but i found out he had kissed that girl a few times and it hurt so much :(, he said he wants nothing with her but i really can’t believe that, the reason it hurt so much was because i told him to move on and that was what he was doing, i just hoped in my head that he would never move on and would have took me straight back, but life is no fairytale and that would never happen. 

i miss him so much, and yes we kiss and stuff and that makes me think things will be good with us again, but then he goes out and kisses other girls and i realise I’m just dreaming and just building up hopes to have them all crash around me. i sit in my room some nights and just cry myself to sleep, i keep replaying it around in my head every single day trying to figure out why i didn’t give our relationship a chance, and there is still no answer :( i wish i had a time machine so i could do it all again, wish he could believe the words i tell him wish he could believe i made a mistake and would do anything to have him back, but he doesn’t believe me i broke his trust in me, and i will have to live with this mistake forever…..

hurting

ever since she’s been in our lives its all gone down hill :( i wish she’d just fuck off we were fine before you come along and we should be fine now but we ain’t. just cause you fucked up your life don’t fuck up mine. he means the world to me and i can’t bear being without him.

Started shopping for uni! :)

Having a green bedroom and a pink bathroom :)

Really annoyed!

His mam and dad are gone away for the day. And he chooses to invite the boys over. It would have been nice if he invited me over for the day to spend some time together means we haven’t done it a lot lately as he spends more time with them nowadays. Pisses me off as I miss spending the day with him. And when i go to uni we won’t be able to do it often :(

Second best.

Pissed off with being second best atm. Its like you have no interest in me or what I’m doing whatsoever. Ha oh well

Decided to make an effort for my boyfriend. Stood in the kitchen in sexy undies. And he decides that he’d rather cook and pushes me away. Cheers.